Quotes in humor

The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability.

More quotes by   Tom Lehrer view quote details

Consultants are people who borrow your watch and tell you what time it is, and then walk off with the watch.


Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple.

More quotes by   Barry Switzer view quote details

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

More quotes by   Rick Cook view quote details

Why should I be worried about dying? It's not going to happen in my lifetime!


Dance like it hurts,
Love like you need money,
Work when people are watching.

More quotes by   Scott Adams view quote details

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.


Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

More quotes by   Steven Wright view quote details

He who hesitates is a damned fool.

More quotes by   Mae West view quote details

I hate television. I hate it as much as I hate peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts.

More quotes by   Orson Welles view quote details