Quotes by Dave Barry

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.


Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.


We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.


Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.


If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'


In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.


The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.


We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.