Quotes by George Carlin

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.


The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."


Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.


By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.


Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?


I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.


I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.


I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.


If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.


Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.