Quotes by Steven Wright

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.