Quotes by Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'