Quotes by Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.