Quotes in humor

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

What's the collective noun for a group of statisticians?

"A quarrel"

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.