Quotes in humor

Consultants are people who borrow your watch and tell you what time it is, and then walk off with the watch.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Dance like it hurts,
Love like you need money,
Work when people are watching.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

He who hesitates is a damned fool.

I hate television. I hate it as much as I hate peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts.

As a kid, I knew I wanted to be either a cartoonist or an astronaut. The latter was never much of a possibility, as I don't even like riding in elevators.

Anything too stupid to be said is sung.

I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.