Quotes in humor

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.

Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.

Great moments in science: Einstein discovers that time is actually money.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

The metaphor of the king as the shepherd of his people goes back to ancient Egypt. Perhaps the use of this particular convention is due to the fact that, being stupid, affectionate, gregarious, and easily stampeded, the societies formed by sheep are most like human ones.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability.